I have a real problem

With the tragic. I can't enough of the sad sack. I have recently become obsessed with Wolfman, aka Peter Wolfe, a friend of Pete Doherty (who could only be sooooooooooo cute if he could clean up his act...but then he wouldn't be interesting, so really, don't). They both got arrested recently for accidentally killing a friend with heroin...a girl...a rich girl, who wanted to slum it up in their heroin world. Those two, really are wrapped in crime tape in my mind, or they have signs like you're in a construction zone...enter at your own risk.

Woofman.

You Know

When something horrible happens like Corey Haim dies, or Casey Johnson, I always think about the people who SHOULD have died instead. For Haim, the first on the list is easy: Feldman. I'd take a Scott Baio death or even Leif Garrett...Gary Coleman...just not Haim. For Johnson I'd wouldn't mind trading her death for the horrible Brittney Gastineau, or Kim Kardashian, any of the Hiltons (obviously), that Kieselstein-Cord or Dori Cooperman.

List of Failures/Buzz Words

Bottles in the toilet
Slut Dog
Toothbrush
Loose Ship
Pipe under stroller
Creep

God

For some reason I was just thinking about the time in high school I went to a party at Brooke's house and it was super lame, all they had was WINE COOLERS, and I mean, who can get drunk off that shit? So in my quest to get a buzz that skinny fuck, Dan Locatelli convinced me I should try some, "Chew." I just remember saying, "Should I be sweating?" and then eating a whole bag of M&Ms in an attempt to even out my system.

Good!

Martin Short checks into hospital. Let's hope it's fatal.

Thanks Vincent Gallo...

I can't believe what you did to Roger Ebert's face with your cancer curse. I mean, Ebert was never a looker, but now he looks like he has a bird beak! And he can't speak! Couldn't you have just broken his thumb, or something?

Those Lazy F***ers...

USPS is trying to stop delivery on Saturdays now!? No wonder we all use email now. (I only care about this because of Netflix.)

Why?!

Does my mouth turn upside down?

God

Our washing machine is being such a bitch today...not a big enough load for her prissy ass...front loaders...total prima donnas.

So...

Should I just go nutso and poodle Della's ass out, or keep her natural?

Dude

I know it was genius financially...but Courtney Love really shouldn't have ever had a kid...can you imagine? Add her to my douche bag...along with the Geldofs, and that princess Paula Yates. (Red wedding dress...haha! RIP.) God. Sucka for blondes with big tits. Pamela Anderson...that's another...

WHEN?

Will these Olympics be over?!

Um...

Shouldn't it be, You're So Gay??? Carly Simon's "You're So Vain," is about David Geffen. Isn't that part of the gay MO?! Get with the program toots.

Maybe It Was Her Bangs

Dude, have you seen the hair on that crazy-smarty-pants-killer Amy Bishop? Maintaining those bangs, alone, would drive me bad shit insane...it didn't look like she used a flat iron either (have you seen the flips on that au naturel bob???!?)...but I do like the coy way she's tucked her hair behind her freakishly large ears in recent arrest pics. What a fucking doll. Now, let's get Anna Wintour on her ass. She needs a make-over.

I hate this term....

but I just realized I'm a sucker for a douchebag. Serge Gainsbourg really was a douchebag, right? A Parisian "treasure" but a douche nonetheless....shit...I also like Brandon Davis and that one-glove-wearing "pot" dealer, Tom Sullivan...and my female hero list is ripe with douches...Heidi Fleiss (she wears sweats!!!!!!!!!! Hell, she designed sweats), Victoria Sellers, Amy Fisher, Monica Lewinsky, Catherine Guinness, Ann Woodward, Tiffany Limos, all of that Kardashian family.

Just, please don't tell me Andy Warhol was a douche bag...or Edie Sedwick, because I just named my baby after her.

PS I'm suprised I don't like Spike Jonze

When Do You All Think It Will All Become Clear?

I'm on the right track, and we're onto a winner....